Captain's Blog - Stardate 60331.6
"I must not fear. Fear is the mindkiller. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see it's path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." - Frank Herbert
This morning I got the phone call from my doctor. Well, her assistant at first, anyway. "You're results are fine," she said. I told her that wasn't enough information. "Oh, well, you don't have H Pylori or whatever, so..." After a few more carefully worded questions, I spoke with my doc and it was made clear to me that, other than the acid-reflux, which we are working on treating, there is nothing else wrong with me.
More to the point, the correlation between acid-reflux and anxiety ABOUT acid-reflux can become self-fulfilling. In other words, my fear about what I'm experiencing may actually be exacerbating the condition I'm trying to eliminate.
Which brings us to today's topic: Fear.
As it turns out, 5776 (the current year by the Jewish calendar) has been the Year of Fear for me so far. This is an epiphany I had today, around 11:11 am. As the sun set on Rosh Hashanah last September, instead of having dinner with my boyfriend and my parents I sat in the emergency vet's office with a scared fifteen year old cat and an even more worried self. The next few months I did everything I could to keep her alive. A few days before Thanksgiving, I ran out of options, and as the first snow of the season started to fall, my beloved Lana and I said goodbye.
What I didn't realize as I began the grieving process was that I had opened the door to fear. The habit I had developed as I ran around Chicago buying up cans of "Cat-Sure" and special foods was one of worry and doubt wrapped in responsibility and guilt. It's no wonder that it presented itself in me physically.
Fear has been represented in many different iteration on many of my favorite shows. My favorite is the one on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" pictured with this blog. He magnifies the deepest fears of the characters until he can manifest himself. And when he does he's about the size of a Smurf. Fear wants to scare you. Fear feeds on itself.
But fear is completely in your control. When you decide to face your fears, they are only three apples tall. And today that is what I've decided to do. I started the Whole30 diet plan to address my digestive concerns and lose a few pounds. But today, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. Operation "No Fear" is officially a go.
Hailing frequencies closed.
Captain's Blog - Supplemental
Tomorrow's blog will be more fun. Promise!